If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
