girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
