Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
