I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
