May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
