is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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