You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
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Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
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I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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