I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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