Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
