someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
