The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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