Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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