Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
