At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
