I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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