Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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