My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
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I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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