I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
