Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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