We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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