The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
