So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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