I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
