closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
