Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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