Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
