Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
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Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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