i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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