Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
