just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
