dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize