The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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