Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
