Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
