Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
