this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
PANTIES FOUND
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