I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
