Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
