Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
