I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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