Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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