My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
