we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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