I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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