I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
