Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
