Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
