I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
