I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
