y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
