Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
