I met the friendliest cop last night
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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